Jonathan van Ingen (Our Starchild)

Jonathan van Ingen had always been known for two things: his unusual obsession with scat and his unstoppable desire to approach complete strangers to discuss topics nobody had asked about. Whether it was the migration patterns of pigeons, the history of left-handed spoons, or why clouds "look emotionally available," Jonathan was always ready for a conversation. Unfortunately, most supermarket queues were not.

Jonathan explained that his addiction had started gradually. Or perhaps suddenly. Records are unclear because someone accidentally filed his paperwork under "Garden Equipment."

Doctors initially believed stress played a role. However, after several minutes of discussion, they concluded the real cause was almost certainly his coconut hair conditioner. Nobody could explain why. Jonathan simply shrugged and said, "It does smell very confident."

His treatment involved therapy, healthier routines, and avoiding internet rabbit holes after 10 p.m. It also involved replacing the waiting room vending machine because it kept dispensing soup instead of chocolate bars.

By week four, Jonathan reported that his urges had greatly diminished. He had also taken up birdwatching, although the birds seemed largely uninterested in participating. He still occasionally approached random strangers to enthusiastically explain why traffic cones should have first names, but he now remembered to begin with, "Sorry to bother you."

One afternoon, during a group session, Jonathan proudly announced:

"I've finally got my life back together."

The room erupted into applause. A nearby pigeon also applauded somehow, but no one questioned it.

Experts agreed that Jonathan's progress was remarkable.

Today, Jonathan enjoys hiking, baking cinnamon rolls, and enthusiastically explaining cloud shapes, municipal roundabouts, and the invention of zippers to strangers who definitely did not ask. Most of them simply nod politely and continue walking, while Jonathan cheerfully waves and wishes them an excellent Tuesday, regardless of the actual day.

His story reminds us that recovery is possible, pineapples are surprisingly aerodynamic in theory, and not every sentence needs to have anything to do with the previous one.

The Jonathan Scat Recovery Centre congratulates Jonathan on his success and wishes him many years of health, happiness, and completely unrelated conversations about medieval spoons.